Philosophy of the loving/fearful mind

They say that the people who can hurt you most are those you love the most and it's true. If you didn't care what people thought then what they say or do wouldn't matter. Those you trust know the most about you and your vulnerabilities and thus can hurt you most if they so wish. This is the thing I struggle with; my fear of that kind of pain. I'll be honest, it terrifies me to the very core. When I start to care for someone I have a freaking panic attack, get depressed and usually get angry. I can't take it and I don't know why. Okay that's a lie I know why. Way, way to many times the trust I have given has been betrayed. I know for a long time I just shut down and didn't trust anybody. I only started trusting after a friend showed me how unhealthy it was for me to hide inside myself but I'm still not sure I'd rather not be there. I hate this fear, it affects how I act. I get so fearful I can't even act like myself around these people until there is an equal sharing of trust. I guess that's always the case really, with people. Let's face it I'm still the terrified little kid that managed to survive school by crushing ever bit of life in him. Love at a distance because that's safe... Thing is if you want to love people you can't really do it from a distance. I hate my life. I know I'm not supposed to say that now that I'm getting married but that doesn't change things really. My fiancée is the one person I'm not terrified of because I know where she stands. I always have really. Thatdoesn'tt change how I feel about life much though. Life is hard and I've pretty much always hated it but living was a gift, over and over a gift giving when it should have been taken. I still haven't learned to begratefull for it. Well that's the paradox I suppose because the only thing I have ever lived for is the thing that terrifies me most: people. I guess the truth is when people you care about hurt you want to be there for them but sometimes your not welcome. No be honest I've rarely been welcome. I could say I'm just a friend ofconveniencee to most people but that isn't really the truth I suppose. I think people just want certain people to care when they hurt and they ignore others who offer ahelpingg hand. Nosurprisee that I'm rarely wanted. I have no illusions about my skills as a people person. If only I could relax around people and be myself. Na that's not even true these days, I don't care enough to pretend around here. Still no body really gives a shit who I am. Then again not many want to say who they are. Wow this is getting long, guess I didn'trealizee how much crap is in here. It'll be good to have Mel around, thank God she understands at least some of this crap. Well here's hopping I stop feeling useless sometime soon. Assuming of course that I can actually be of some use, which may not actually be the case... I hate my life.