The Paradox of Discovery

I made an interesting discovery today, not a pleasant one but an interesting one. I am well aware that one of my chief faults is that of arrogance but I never realized how bad it was. I mean it's always hard because you never see yourself in action. However after a discussion with someone else I realized it. Why, because they were worse than I. It took being disgusted with someone else to realize who bad I myself am. Mine is not the everyday arrogance of my person hood but of thought and knowledge. When faced with a like minded person I got to see how strong it was and how stupid. I am not a stupid person nor am I with out knowledge yet I take it a step beyond where I can safely tread. That is foolish. I know what I know, and I can safely make a certain amount of deductions logically but what need have I to go further? One can argue anything if one wants so why start? Say your piece then listen to the other side. Oh ya and you don't have to be right. Okay the first part I'm good at, the second part I'm learning. I may be better than I once was but I realize that is selective, when attacked I revert. Dumb, very dumb, embarrassing and annoying. Seriously you'd think I'd learn to act a little more maturely. Oh well I'll work on it.

Philosophy of the loving/fearful mind

They say that the people who can hurt you most are those you love the most and it's true. If you didn't care what people thought then what they say or do wouldn't matter. Those you trust know the most about you and your vulnerabilities and thus can hurt you most if they so wish. This is the thing I struggle with; my fear of that kind of pain. I'll be honest, it terrifies me to the very core. When I start to care for someone I have a freaking panic attack, get depressed and usually get angry. I can't take it and I don't know why. Okay that's a lie I know why. Way, way to many times the trust I have given has been betrayed. I know for a long time I just shut down and didn't trust anybody. I only started trusting after a friend showed me how unhealthy it was for me to hide inside myself but I'm still not sure I'd rather not be there. I hate this fear, it affects how I act. I get so fearful I can't even act like myself around these people until there is an equal sharing of trust. I guess that's always the case really, with people. Let's face it I'm still the terrified little kid that managed to survive school by crushing ever bit of life in him. Love at a distance because that's safe... Thing is if you want to love people you can't really do it from a distance. I hate my life. I know I'm not supposed to say that now that I'm getting married but that doesn't change things really. My fiancée is the one person I'm not terrified of because I know where she stands. I always have really. Thatdoesn'tt change how I feel about life much though. Life is hard and I've pretty much always hated it but living was a gift, over and over a gift giving when it should have been taken. I still haven't learned to begratefull for it. Well that's the paradox I suppose because the only thing I have ever lived for is the thing that terrifies me most: people. I guess the truth is when people you care about hurt you want to be there for them but sometimes your not welcome. No be honest I've rarely been welcome. I could say I'm just a friend ofconveniencee to most people but that isn't really the truth I suppose. I think people just want certain people to care when they hurt and they ignore others who offer ahelpingg hand. Nosurprisee that I'm rarely wanted. I have no illusions about my skills as a people person. If only I could relax around people and be myself. Na that's not even true these days, I don't care enough to pretend around here. Still no body really gives a shit who I am. Then again not many want to say who they are. Wow this is getting long, guess I didn'trealizee how much crap is in here. It'll be good to have Mel around, thank God she understands at least some of this crap. Well here's hopping I stop feeling useless sometime soon. Assuming of course that I can actually be of some use, which may not actually be the case... I hate my life.

Theories on group discussions

New theory on group discussions: no one listens to what you say. Ok so maybe that's not really suprising to some of you but I really kind of realized it for the first time today. People just seem to latch on to one part of what you said that allows them to say what they want to say even if it reads into or takes completely out of context what you have said. I know what I said in class today and I have no idea where some people got the ideas they took from it. It's like this whole "what does the text say" that we are go through in religious studies and lit. Seriously what did I actually say, because I sure as hell didn't say some of the things they seemed to imply. Maybe I was just a convenient bridge into what they wanted to say. Likely that's true but I don't appreciate having words put into my mouth. In lit right now we are looking at Luther, Calvin and Sir Thomas Moore. We got on to basic tenants and to the statement "Do unto others as you would have them do unto you." Now read that sentence; it's pretty clear isn't it? I think so but then people seem to cloud the issue. What I do with my self about myself has really nothing to do with that statement does it? Of course not, nor is how I apply it universal to how I interact with every individual. How I interact with my fiancé is not how I'm going to interact with my sister is it? Of course not! We apply thatstatementt on an individual basis, we have to because we are dealing with individuals. Seriously is it that difficult? If it is I apologize right now for making a stupid assumption but I think you're all smart enough to get this. It's just that we all have thistendencyy to get hung up on a point that's important to us and thus miss-interpret what we heard. Look at the words that were said and don't read into them, it'll save us all a lot of grief. Please, please don't read into what I say 'cause I'm getting really sick of people being upset with me over things I NEVER SAID!!! Argh! It's just not fair!!! Okay I'm done, just needed to get that out there.

Thanks guys, it was nice.

So it's a little after my birthday but I thought the events this year deserve a post. Another girl I go to school with here has her birthday the day before mine. Convenient for me since I don't like acknowledging mine much. So a few of us decided to have a party for her birthday and I offered to cook. I was pretty sure that no one knew (or remembered) my birthday so I went to this party blissfully unaware of what was to transpire. It seems Ashley (who's party it was) had found out. So it ended up being a joint party and very enjoyable at that. The next day (my actual birthday) was nice and low key as well. We had our annual Indian meal that night so more focus was on that then anything else. So what does all this mean? Well it was still a really depressing couple of days but that was actually more out of habit then due to any actual events for once. This would be the first time in a long time that I had an enjoyable birthday. In fact this might rack up to make this the fourth good birthday. I worry myself sometimes...

All talk as long as the other person isn't around

Okay so I have probably ranted about this before but you know what I think it deserves a repeat mention. If you have something to say about someone that you don't want them to hear, then don't say it! Seriously it's not that hard to keep your mouth shut, heck it's a lot easier than flapping your lips. I mean really now, especially in a close community like the one I'm living in. Yet I always hear people who are shocked that someone heard about some comment that was thought to have been made in confidence. Two things about that: 1) if you don't tell someone not to say anything to ANYBODY they will probably tell someone, who will tell someone else and so on until it reaches the person you didn't want to hear it. 2) People may have loyalties that you don't know about, so gossiping, ranting or complaining about someone is a bit of a risk. I mean don't gossip it's just stupid unless you were there you don't even have a hope understanding what went on and even then you probably don't know all the factors that went in to creating the events. If you need to rant write in a journal or an anonymous blog. Complaining that's a hard one, it would be my big trouble spot. Thing I'm realizing is that what we say when we complain either is stupid or sounds stupid. Seriously think about what you just said after you finish complaining and you'll probably be at least a little embarrassed with yourself. Or at least you will if you take the time to see it from someone else's perspective. It's all really assumptions and egocentricity. All right I can tell this probably isn't all that clear so just think of Aesop's Fable about the North Wind and the Sun. If you don't know it you can find it on-line but believe it or not it applies very well to life.

Do people really think this way?

So we are reading Chaucer in Lit class and today we were going over the Wife of Bath and The Miller's Tale. If you have ever read them there are some interesting stereotypes of the male and female roles during the middle ages. Someone, during the course of the discussion, made a comment that really caught me off guard. Oddly it didn't make me angry but it sure as heck surprised me, probably as much because of who it came from as the comment it's self. This one girl says (this is a paraphrase) that women are able to "lower their standards" to be with a guy who isn't super handsome but is nice and kind. She then went on to say that guys can't do that. Excuse me? Did she actually just say what I think she said? What the hell? I am so confused, so how then does she think that the less-than-supermodel girls end up with guys? Is it because that's all same guys can get and they just want something so bad? And do you really have to lower your standards to be with someone who isn't drop dead gorgeous? Okay so my fianceé had some modeling shots done but she never was a model and that was after I started dating her. She is not Angelina Jolie but seriously who wants that? Mel gets enough attention from guys I don't think I could handle it ever guy stopped to stare at her. I'm glad as it is that I'm not a jealous guy or life would be hell. Anyways I'm not marrying her for her looks, I've had girls who look stunning "lower their standards" to me but a wise personrealizess that beauty truly is in the eye of the beholder. Mel isn't just beautiful because she looks great (and she sure does to me) but she is a balance to who I am. We fit together as individuals to make something greater than the some of it's parts. Anyway looks don't last so you better have something else or old age is really going to suck. Anyone who seriously believes that crap about guys and looks ought to open their eyes and look around. I can't tell you how many times over the years I have heard "What can he possibly she in her?" because someone elsedoesn'tt think she is beautiful. To often in life guys give in to the peerpressuree and drop a girl they really like because their "friends" don't think she's pretty. Oh wait girls do that too don't they? This whole gender war stuff has got to stop, seriously. Enough is enough I'm boycotting this war and any fool who wants to fight it. The greatest enemy of peaceful coexistencee is ignorance. Like they say: "If you want to show your ignorance just open up your mouth." Seriously people, think before you speak...Pleasee.