We bury a friend: goodbye Shelley.

I've been thinking about writing for days but I don't know what to write. Grief hits us all differently. I always say: Regrets are for the living; memories are for the dead. My grief does not stem from time lost or things left undone but for the memories I have of a truly special person who was a world changer. Another thing I've been known to say is: We care for the living; let the dead bury themselves. It doesn't mean I don't care or don't like funerals. On the contrary I think funerals are necessary so people can grieve. I don't go to funerals to grieve though; I go to celebrate. Well most of the time anyway. What I go to celebrate is the profound affect that one individual can have in the lives of others. Shelley Patterson/Emott had a profound affect on many lives. This girl who was maybe 30 years of age, and married for only a few short years, had over 500 people attend her funeral. He death wasn't some great tragedy that would attract the uninvolved, it was just a stupid car accident. If you were there and looked around the packed church (sanctuary, balcony, narthex, basement all packed!) you would be able to tell that all those there were either profoundly touched by Shelley or by someone who had been blessed by Shelley. I know how it looked to an those who didn't know Shelley that well because you could read it on the faces of her co-workers who had come. Most had only really known her in the context of work but to come in a half hour before the service started and have to squeeze in to a standing room only crowd stunned them. I think the service did to because in a brilliant eulogy two people read the memories of about 50 others.

I wasn't going to write all that but then again I want to pay tribute to a great woman too. I didn't know Shelley as well as many others but she had a profound affect on my life. There was a time when my closest friends were facing serious challenges and they wouldn't or couldn't talk. I had also just moved to a new location where I knew no-one and everyone else knew a few other people. I was going through some tough times myself and Shelley came along and helped me out. Not because she really knew me for while we did know each other we weren't close or even that well acquainted. No she helped me because a good friend of hers was a good friend of mine and that was a good enough reason for her.

I know that probably doesn't explain much but at this point I can't come to write the actual story. Maybe someday but then again maybe not. It does exemplify Shelley though. She cared about people and you could tell. It made you feel important, loved, secure, comforted basically whatever you needed. In the Bible it says "Whatever you do unto the least of these you do unto me." Jesus said the two greatest commandments were "To love the Lord your God with all your heart, with all your strength and all of your mind... ...Love your neighbour as yourself." The best tribute I can give to Shelley is that she exemplified this in her daily life. So I do not grieve for Shelley who is with our Father in paradise but I do grieve for the world that so desperately needs the touch of a hundred Shelley's.

Civil War (What's so civil about war anyway?)

No despite what you may have thought I'm not about to start Bush bashing or kicking the US for their strong arm tactics and ruthless self interest. I'm sure as heck not going to start bashing what our armed forces do. No those of you that no my own connection with the military know that I have nothing but the greatest respect for the peacekeeping missions our soldiers are involved in. I am well aware of what a measured military response can do to prevent greater harm. Of course the response has to be intelligent, informed and above all appropriate. But I'm not even interested in talking about that. No what's getting to me is the sociological civil war that is raging between economic classes and moral view points. It has come to the point where lives are tools to be used to further our causes not guarded and nurtured for the good of all. The Muslim Fanatics do it with their suicide bombers. The Moromons do it in their marriage practices. Corporations do it with their "incentive programs". Governments do it with the "funding conditions", "youth programs" and a hundred other thinly veiled moral mind crushers. How does that line go "they step on our hearts while they rip out our minds". That's about right don't allow room in your heart for anything but self interest (or 'god') but whatever you do just don't think for yourself. Well this is a call to arms then, I'm declaring an Uncivil War on all the small minded prats who want to keep others from thinking. I'll fight for the right to teach kids to think for themselves, to question what they are taught in school, to be able to speak up with questions and not be told to sit down and shut up. I will fight for the right to ask Why? And I'll take on anyone who says that just the way it is. It may be the way it is but that is not the way it has to be and I refuse to accept it. Dust of your brains and put them to work. Act like you care about what happens in your community, country, world and you may find out that there is something worth caring about. We are a bunch of lethargic, apathetic, self-centered prigs to stupid and foolish to do something about the pile of crap our world is becoming in an age where we have more power to change things then ever before. So come join up and be a part of my Uncivil War it'll be a mess but it'll be worth it.

Shut up and do something!

New rant about everybody's favorite subject: Revelation! Actually it's not really about the book of Revelation it's about the predominant Christian mind set. First thing to clear up is that Revelation have little to do with the end of the world in practical terms. Revelation is not a road map to the end times so stop asking it for directions!!! All the damn Christians I meet have this mind set like we are fighting some kind of holding action against evil or that we are making some valiant last stand. It isn't true people. Nowhere does it say "Christians will loose!" or "Not everyone can be saved!" Alright not everyone will want what we got but people spread it around a little, geez. My time with The Salvation Army is proving to me that an organization can be more than the sum of it's parts. Here is a Christian organization riddled with petty bureaucrats, people who lack vision and a few fools as well. It also has a bunch of great people that allow this massive organization to respond to a crisis sometimes before the authorities. They have a belief that you just have to respect: "Do whatever you can to help people get back on their feet with dignity." So they do big things like homeless shelters, foodbanks and emergency relief but they also do small things like finding families a place to stay when their home burns down, ensuring that soldiers on the front lines can have some coffee and a snack. Ya that's right The Salvation Army goes to war with there little trucks full of coffee and treats since world war one. They were in Afghanistan until they were asked to leave by the government. The Salvation Army believes that though they may be "Christians" they will help anyone regardless of race, religion or beliefs. Some of you might catch the irony of that last statement but my point is simple:we should help everyone regardless of who they are while (key point) maintaining their dignity and giving them the help they need so tomorrow they can stand on their own. Man there are so many points I could just go off on but I won't. Suffice it to say that in a place I least expected it I found a group that shares my goal and it has given me great hope that others do to.

Those who lived through it understand

Today is a day for remembering all the times, stories, and hell we've gone through. Remembering the struggles faced, the obstacles overcome and the failures. We were there, together and each of you know who you are. Different people at different times but always fighting. That's always been the thing I respect about you girls, beat to shit and tough as hell. I know most of you never feel that way but the hell you've walked through on earth has made you strong. Don't ever forget it, I won't. I can't really, it never ceases to amaze me when I consider what you've been through, that you're able to stand at all. You all think I'm strong but that's crap, you guys are the strong ones. I only lend an ear and a hand when you need it but that doesn't make me stronger than you. I know most of you will never read this, most of you I've lost contact with but I've never forgotten. This is a simple recognition that each of you have impacted me at least as much as I have you. I count some of you as the best friends I have, there's nothing like walking through fire together to forge friendships. Even when sometimes we weren't friends at all eh T? M even though your not even in the same country anymore I still count you among those closest to me. I can't name you all even if I wanted to but this is my tribute to all of you. Thing is life's shit makes the best friendships the ones that'll last no matter how much time passes and how sporadic contact is in between. It's good to know that if I ever run into any of you again we can just pick up and go from where we are because trust born of trial exists. Peace my friends, may God guide you footsteps always. Love you all and I'm still not going anywhere.

Because sometimes we need reminding

Once more into the breach

It's funny how passion can leave you. How you can become jaded and hardened to things. It's also kind of funny how one little thing can change it all around. For me it was a letter from a friend. My friend was over in India helping out at a private hospital. In this last letter she included some entries from her personal journal about the joys and struggles of being in that country. One of the hardest things for her to deal with was the casual abuse, even murder, of women that occurs in that country. While reading her letter it hit me like a tidal wave. All the old emotions, all the old reasons, all the old anger at the casual abuse that occurs to girls in this country. The girls I grew up with, the girls I still know and the ones I've just met. It's been awhile since one has told me there story and I guess it's part of why I have forgotten. It brings me back to my years of summer camp, listening to the stories of campers and leaders alike as they struggle through what has happened to them. Now I struggle with who I've become. What changed me from the person they were comfortable to talk to? What has changed that I don't see them as I once did? Well my vision is clear again and the pain fills me once more but this is a good pain, a comfortable pain. It's the pain of longing. Longing to help heal, to help restore, to show them love. The simple caring love that says "If you need me I'm there." The love given to me long ago, and the love continual received from the Father. In this place I have become more confident and social but if the trade off is this inability to be an aid then forget it, I'm done. I'll be true to myself and care for those who are here because it means something. It is the one thing I can offer that will ever make a difference even if it's just a little one. I'll be damned if I'll be distracted any longer. So once more we charge into the breach...

Life walks on
Never striaght
But ever strong

Striding across the stars

How long until the darkness takes me down? It doesn't matter how good you are because if you let your guard down for just one moment it will consume you. The bindings of pray and faith can seem like very flimsy protection in the long dark hours of the soul. It's like bring a reactor back down from critical; one wrong move and there won't be enough left to fill a matchbox. One speck of light in an ocean of darkness. One speck among many perhaps but still not enough. The most frustrating part is the inability to BE. It's not possible these simply is no way to truly BE here in this world. It's like trying to build a house with only a hammer. In this life the darkness will win it always does. That does not preclude my ability to fight and fight I will so that when it comes I will embrace the darkness at a time of my choosing. I am no stranger to the darkness, it has lived within me as long as I can remember, it is almost as comforting at times as the light that transforms. Should the tide every rise too high this light has no fear of being extinguished to ensure that others survive. There is nothing more respectable than an ancient evil; there is nothing more feared than the blazing light. In one hand a dagger of white, in the other a dagger of black. Which holds the poison offering a clean death and to whom?