Rain Dance On The Dark Side Of The Moon

We bury a friend: goodbye Shelley.

2006-12-18T11:33:00.000-05:00

I've been thinking about writing for days but I don't know what to write. Grief hits us all differently. I always say: Regrets are for the living; memories are for the dead. My grief does not stem from time lost or things left undone but for the memories I have of a truly special person who was a world changer. Another thing I've been known to say is: We care for the living; let the dead bury themselves. It doesn't mean I don't care or don't like funerals. On the contrary I think funerals are necessary so people can grieve. I don't go to funerals to grieve though; I go to celebrate. Well most of the time anyway. What I go to celebrate is the profound affect that one individual can have in the lives of others. Shelley Patterson/Emott had a profound affect on many lives. This girl who was maybe 30 years of age, and married for only a few short years, had over 500 people attend her funeral. He death wasn't some great tragedy that would attract the uninvolved, it was just a stupid car accident. If you were there and looked around the packed church (sanctuary, balcony, narthex, basement all packed!) you would be able to tell that all those there were either profoundly touched by Shelley or by someone who had been blessed by Shelley. I know how it looked to an those who didn't know Shelley that well because you could read it on the faces of her co-workers who had come. Most had only really known her in the context of work but to come in a half hour before the service started and have to squeeze in to a standing room only crowd stunned them. I think the service did to because in a brilliant eulogy two people read the memories of about 50 others.

I wasn't going to write all that but then again I want to pay tribute to a great woman too. I didn't know Shelley as well as many others but she had a profound affect on my life. There was a time when my closest friends were facing serious challenges and they wouldn't or couldn't talk. I had also just moved to a new location where I knew no-one and everyone else knew a few other people. I was going through some tough times myself and Shelley came along and helped me out. Not because she really knew me for while we did know each other we weren't close or even that well acquainted. No she helped me because a good friend of hers was a good friend of mine and that was a good enough reason for her.

I know that probably doesn't explain much but at this point I can't come to write the actual story. Maybe someday but then again maybe not. It does exemplify Shelley though. She cared about people and you could tell. It made you feel important, loved, secure, comforted basically whatever you needed. In the Bible it says "Whatever you do unto the least of these you do unto me." Jesus said the two greatest commandments were "To love the Lord your God with all your heart, with all your strength and all of your mind... ...Love your neighbour as yourself." The best tribute I can give to Shelley is that she exemplified this in her daily life. So I do not grieve for Shelley who is with our Father in paradise but I do grieve for the world that so desperately needs the touch of a hundred Shelley's.

Civil War (What's so civil about war anyway?)

2006-11-26T20:25:00.000-05:00

No despite what you may have thought I'm not about to start Bush bashing or kicking the US for their strong arm tactics and ruthless self interest. I'm sure as heck not going to start bashing what our armed forces do. No those of you that no my own connection with the military know that I have nothing but the greatest respect for the peacekeeping missions our soldiers are involved in. I am well aware of what a measured military response can do to prevent greater harm. Of course the response has to be intelligent, informed and above all appropriate. But I'm not even interested in talking about that. No what's getting to me is the sociological civil war that is raging between economic classes and moral view points. It has come to the point where lives are tools to be used to further our causes not guarded and nurtured for the good of all. The Muslim Fanatics do it with their suicide bombers. The Moromons do it in their marriage practices. Corporations do it with their "incentive programs". Governments do it with the "funding conditions", "youth programs" and a hundred other thinly veiled moral mind crushers. How does that line go "they step on our hearts while they rip out our minds". That's about right don't allow room in your heart for anything but self interest (or 'god') but whatever you do just don't think for yourself. Well this is a call to arms then, I'm declaring an Uncivil War on all the small minded prats who want to keep others from thinking. I'll fight for the right to teach kids to think for themselves, to question what they are taught in school, to be able to speak up with questions and not be told to sit down and shut up. I will fight for the right to ask Why? And I'll take on anyone who says that just the way it is. It may be the way it is but that is not the way it has to be and I refuse to accept it. Dust of your brains and put them to work. Act like you care about what happens in your community, country, world and you may find out that there is something worth caring about. We are a bunch of lethargic, apathetic, self-centered prigs to stupid and foolish to do something about the pile of crap our world is becoming in an age where we have more power to change things then ever before. So come join up and be a part of my Uncivil War it'll be a mess but it'll be worth it.

Shut up and do something!

2006-10-31T15:23:00.000-05:00

New rant about everybody's favorite subject: Revelation! Actually it's not really about the book of Revelation it's about the predominant Christian mind set. First thing to clear up is that Revelation have little to do with the end of the world in practical terms. Revelation is not a road map to the end times so stop asking it for directions!!! All the damn Christians I meet have this mind set like we are fighting some kind of holding action against evil or that we are making some valiant last stand. It isn't true people. Nowhere does it say "Christians will loose!" or "Not everyone can be saved!" Alright not everyone will want what we got but people spread it around a little, geez. My time with The Salvation Army is proving to me that an organization can be more than the sum of it's parts. Here is a Christian organization riddled with petty bureaucrats, people who lack vision and a few fools as well. It also has a bunch of great people that allow this massive organization to respond to a crisis sometimes before the authorities. They have a belief that you just have to respect: "Do whatever you can to help people get back on their feet with dignity." So they do big things like homeless shelters, foodbanks and emergency relief but they also do small things like finding families a place to stay when their home burns down, ensuring that soldiers on the front lines can have some coffee and a snack. Ya that's right The Salvation Army goes to war with there little trucks full of coffee and treats since world war one. They were in Afghanistan until they were asked to leave by the government. The Salvation Army believes that though they may be "Christians" they will help anyone regardless of race, religion or beliefs. Some of you might catch the irony of that last statement but my point is simple:we should help everyone regardless of who they are while (key point) maintaining their dignity and giving them the help they need so tomorrow they can stand on their own. Man there are so many points I could just go off on but I won't. Suffice it to say that in a place I least expected it I found a group that shares my goal and it has given me great hope that others do to.

(Personal) Responsibility what's that?

2006-10-27T12:58:00.000-04:00

How does that song go? "Responsibility what's that? Responsibility not quite yet!" That sure seems to be today's view on personal responsibility. Today I was reading my newspaper and there is this wonderful story of how a 12-year-old girl, two 14-year-old girls and a 15-year-old boy beat a random 34 year-old woman to death. So what's everyone's response to this outrage? Blame the parents of course. Excuse me?!? Yep that's right not one line anywhere in any article I have read laid the blame at the feet of the children who murdered this woman. I don't know whether to laugh or cry. That tells you where the justice system has gone in past few years. When I was 12 a 14 year-old that committed murder was tried as an adult, now we blame the parents. To be fair the parents definitely do have some responsibility but ultimately the kids chose to kill this woman. Even a soldier following orders is expected to show some signs of conscious thought. So maybe some people (quite legitimately) will argue that society is no longer telling these kids it's wrong to kill. Alright I might buy part of that argument except that half the shows on television deal with catching killers and sending them to jail. You want kids to grow up them then give them responsibility every half way decent parent and teacher knows that! Taking away personal responsibility is not helping kids to grow up it's making them think they can get away with murder, which they pretty much are. These kids will be on parole and back on the streets before their 20. Talk about a slap on the wrist seriously the young ones won't even go to a youth corrections facility. Without responsibility there can be no pride, no sense of ownership or accomplishment. Loyalty is responsibility that's why gangs are so popular.

Ignorance in Suburbia

2006-08-10T17:56:00.000-04:00

So my job for the last month has been going door to door selling gas and electricity contracts. Some of you may be familiar with what's going on while others may not be. Basically since deregulation energy producers are to farms as suppliers (who I work for) are to grocery stores. With just a little knowledge of how the food industry runs you can instantly grasp one reason why having a supplier is a good thing. However like there are varying brands of grocery store, there are also varying energy suppliers. More to the point some have better deals then others. Ok so my rant actually has nothing to do with those people who chose to sign on with another company even if they are getting a worse deal. No my rant is about the ignorant people that sit at home and tell me that having a supplier is a bad thing!?! No I'm not talking about the people that don't mind spending another $800 or more a year on the energy bills. Nope I'm talking about those arm chair business men that are trying to tell me that: a) energy prices will drop, b) the government will step in, c) were all actually a scam, or (my personal favorite) d) that if they conserve they won't be affected. So time for a little myth busting a) Do you watch TV!?! 80% of our power supply needs replacing. 54% percent of which is about to break down in the near future. The Alaskan pipeline is still a mess so that's not going to relieve the pressure. On top of all that no little bit of our electricity comes from cogen which is powered by natural gas! b) um actually no they won't. In fact the whole point of deregulation is so they won't have to foot the bill any longer. Anyway after their complete lack of action concerning gasoline prices who can really believe they'd step in? c) To this read your damn news paper and the notice you got from the Ontario Energy Board. Both say were are legit and coming around as well as the only protection you can get. d) This is a simple misunderstanding conservation is important but it's only half the problem. It doesn't help to use half the energy at twice the price does it?

Ok that's the rant. I'm a nice guy, I don't often get too many people who won't talk to me at least a bit. Reason being that I encourage them to check it out with someone because otherwise they'll be hurting. As for me I already have my solution; I'm moving to New Brunswick. Good luck Ontario may your citizens one day find the nerve to educate themselves.

Life as it is

2006-06-09T18:50:00.000-04:00

So I'm married now.... not exactly the biggest change to my life. Oh don't get that look on your face, for about the past month my fiancee was over here with me every free moment she had. Actually I find it odd that I don't find it odd to live with her. If I was any less laid back I'd be waiting for the other show to drop. Still life has taught me to enjoy the peace because guaranteed a storm is on the way, it's not a matter of 'if' just 'when'. It kind of sucks here though on the job scene. Oh I got lots of skills most of which aren't needed in the big city and a lot of those that are require you to have a car. Or they way underpay you. I'm trying for inbound call centers 'caus you get good pay and it's something I like. On the other hand most of those jobs are on the other side of town from me which would mean a grueling hour and a half commute each way. Not what I want thank you very much. I could get three part time, low paying jobs and earn as much and be gone less. Not that I want to do that either. This is where it hits me about being married. See I'd have no problem getting a job, hell I've had a dozen job offers since I got back to Ontario but they would require me to leave Toronto where my wife is. The comforting thing is that I know most of those offers would bring a tandem one for her as well so if it weren't for the fact that she wants to stay working for the people she is we could go elsewhere easily. So it looks like my summer is going to suck. I'll probably have to get a minimum wage job, somewhere that won't be very pleasant all because I'm in the one place that has non need of my skills!!! Bah humbug!

It's almost here!

2006-05-18T10:15:00.000-04:00

I know I don't usually post about my life, not really my way of doing things I suppose. This is a big one though, that is getting married. Okay so I'm not really worried and I'm not even bothering to try to imagine how life will change since I'll probably get it all wrong anyway. However for the last two and a half weeks I've had the apartment while Mel has been living with friends. And boy let me tell you the first adventure of marriage is trying to get all your stuff to fit in one small apartment. Luckily all my stuff didn't come up at once so every weekend I get a few more of my things and try to make them fit. I've already had to go out and buy a giant shelving unit but we also have some friends that have lent us a desk, a DVD rack and soon a pantry until we move out east. It's doubly difficult because I have had my own apartment and so has she so we have doubles of quite a lot of things and then people buy us new stuff and where do we put it!?! Currently most of the kitchen stuff her church so nicely got for us sits on the floor along with basically every other kitchen related wedding present. Ok well not the good knives those are in a drawer but we just don't have room! I'll be real happy when that pantry gets here and I can get the stuff off the floor. I don't even want to think about after the wedding when all those gifts get here. I think I might have a nervous breakdown. Still at least I haven't been working too, that would just be insane. Especially cause I have also pulled my computer apart and upgraded the CPU (first time since high school) and am now in the process of putting a second one together for the wife so she doesn't keep having to haul that over sized laptop from work. Well I guess I should get back to finding a job for after the wedding. Funny how no one wants o hire you when you need six days off for your wedding.

Life is messy

2006-05-02T09:34:00.000-04:00

So spent my first two days in Toronto too sick to do anything. Now I'm on my way back to health and I realise it dosen't matter because I don't actually have anything to do. I miss SSU and everyone there, wecould always find something to do. I have managed to get mostly unpacked and fit my stuff in with Mel's not that there is much room. Apparently she took half her clothing with her so I have no idea what were going to do when she moves back in. On top of all that we have all the wedding shower gifts. Most of it is kitchen stuff which makes me very happy (especially the set of Hinckles knives) but preasently it's all on top of the stove until I can actually find some place to put it. I don't even want to think of the wedding stuff... Worse were going to move this all out east! Ah well. I do have one thing to do and that is find a job. Okay not so much find a job as decide which one I want. Mel's boss keeps offering positions at the camp which wouldn't be so bad except that then I'd really not get to see anyone until January! Not sure I like that much. On the other hand working in Toronto at the hight of summer heat? Not much fun either. The un avoidable downside is that no matter where I work I'll lose Mel for one to two nights a week as she needs to work both at camp and in Toronto. Well I hope all the SSU folk are settling in well, miss you guys. Mari hope you had fun in Poland, can't wait for you to come back here. Wow I actually wrote an informative blog... weird.

Those who lived through it understand

2006-04-17T23:49:00.000-04:00

Today is a day for remembering all the times, stories, and hell we've gone through. Remembering the struggles faced, the obstacles overcome and the failures. We were there, together and each of you know who you are. Different people at different times but always fighting. That's always been the thing I respect about you girls, beat to shit and tough as hell. I know most of you never feel that way but the hell you've walked through on earth has made you strong. Don't ever forget it, I won't. I can't really, it never ceases to amaze me when I consider what you've been through, that you're able to stand at all. You all think I'm strong but that's crap, you guys are the strong ones. I only lend an ear and a hand when you need it but that doesn't make me stronger than you. I know most of you will never read this, most of you I've lost contact with but I've never forgotten. This is a simple recognition that each of you have impacted me at least as much as I have you. I count some of you as the best friends I have, there's nothing like walking through fire together to forge friendships. Even when sometimes we weren't friends at all eh T? M even though your not even in the same country anymore I still count you among those closest to me. I can't name you all even if I wanted to but this is my tribute to all of you. Thing is life's shit makes the best friendships the ones that'll last no matter how much time passes and how sporadic contact is in between. It's good to know that if I ever run into any of you again we can just pick up and go from where we are because trust born of trial exists. Peace my friends, may God guide you footsteps always. Love you all and I'm still not going anywhere.

Because sometimes we need reminding

2006-04-17T23:38:00.000-04:00

Once more into the breach

2006-04-06T12:37:00.000-04:00

It's funny how passion can leave you. How you can become jaded and hardened to things. It's also kind of funny how one little thing can change it all around. For me it was a letter from a friend. My friend was over in India helping out at a private hospital. In this last letter she included some entries from her personal journal about the joys and struggles of being in that country. One of the hardest things for her to deal with was the casual abuse, even murder, of women that occurs in that country. While reading her letter it hit me like a tidal wave. All the old emotions, all the old reasons, all the old anger at the casual abuse that occurs to girls in this country. The girls I grew up with, the girls I still know and the ones I've just met. It's been awhile since one has told me there story and I guess it's part of why I have forgotten. It brings me back to my years of summer camp, listening to the stories of campers and leaders alike as they struggle through what has happened to them. Now I struggle with who I've become. What changed me from the person they were comfortable to talk to? What has changed that I don't see them as I once did? Well my vision is clear again and the pain fills me once more but this is a good pain, a comfortable pain. It's the pain of longing. Longing to help heal, to help restore, to show them love. The simple caring love that says "If you need me I'm there." The love given to me long ago, and the love continual received from the Father. In this place I have become more confident and social but if the trade off is this inability to be an aid then forget it, I'm done. I'll be true to myself and care for those who are here because it means something. It is the one thing I can offer that will ever make a difference even if it's just a little one. I'll be damned if I'll be distracted any longer. So once more we charge into the breach...

2006-04-03T23:37:00.000-04:00

Life walks on
Never striaght
But ever strong

Life's not all bad

2006-04-03T13:00:00.000-04:00

Hmm... seems that I tend to post a lot of negative stuff. Well I guess that's not really all that suprising considering. I mean the good stuff tends to be little things really not much sense posting about them. Plus this place is an outlet, a pressure relief valve. Well it is spring and it's beautiful out. Have had some great walks, and our local icecream place is open! Makes me happy. Of course school will be over soon which is both happy and sad. It'll be nice to be done all this work and to get back to my fiancee. Yet I'll miss the people here (yes I'm saying that), it's been really great having them around. I'll miss pool with Dave, Zack and Tyler. I'll miss my random encounters with Steph. I'll miss cooking with everyone really. I'll miss planning (and cooking/baking) with Alicia. I'll miss being able to visit my littlest sister when ever I feel like it. I'll miss hanging out with EJ, Ashley and Dan. Man I could just keep going on and on. I'll miss it all even the things that don't work so great but I'll be back! It may be weird to come back married after people have had a semester together again and it will never be quite what it was before. That's life though, always changing, always something new. This year at SSU has been one of the happiest of my life. Kinda makes me wonder what's comming around the corner.

Feeling like an ass and acting like one too

2006-03-30T00:07:00.000-05:00

So I didn't just manage to put my foot in my mouth. Oh no I managed to shove both legs down my throat right up to the knee. Am I embarrassed? Yes but even more I'm ashamed. I haven't acted so badly since I was in 9th grade. What on earth is wrong with me, seriously? The smarter I get the dumber I act. Okay maybe not but I do seem to have a problem processing relationships at the moment. Oh man I am feeling so bad at the moment. I hope I get a chance to straighten this out tonight. Personally I think I deserve a swift kick in the head. If anyone talked to me the way I talked tonight I would probably disregard anything they said ever again. Ya this is definitely an apology because... argh I can't believe myself. There is no way I'm getting any sleep tonight if I don't get this straightened out but how do you apologize for something like this? How do you repair a friendship after something so stupid! I certainly can't expect any sort of respect. There is nothing like understanding the pain you cause to destroy the last bit of confidence you have in yourself. I'm sorry L, kick me if you want I certainly deserve it. I'm sorry, forgive me if you can.

An Inner Rage

2006-03-23T19:43:00.000-05:00

I get pissed some times, heck we all do, but sometimes the things that make me angry are really weird. Like right now: I'm annoyed because I can't think of anything kind and meaningful to do for someone else. I know that's messed up but it's true. Oh and doing something kind and meaningful really isn't that easy either. You gotta think of something that they need and that they will accept at face value. That last bit is the tough part. People are so frigging paranoid about why you would do something nice for you or (this really makes me angry) seem to feel that it would be demeaning for you to do something nice for them. People call it being independent but I like to call it what it is. I'm sorry if you feel I some how make you feel belittled by lending you a helping hand. Just because you can do it on your own doesn't mean you have to. Seriously it's not even that I don't mind lending a hand it's that I really want to help you out. Last time I checked I live in a community but one that definitely does not seem to understand this point very well. I don't but the pit falls of trying to do everything on your own are pretty obvious to me. It doesn't work, it never works, how many times do you have to fail, feel lonely, crash and burn before you learn. I got to do something nice today and it was great, just a little gift, a simple thing that made someone's day better. I was supposed to help someone else out but they decided they didn't need it, maybe that's what got me on this. I personally doubt that one had anything to do with independence but it made me think of all the times that it is. I have sent people home from work and pulled a double myself because they were sick. Now sometimes I had to argue but I have always won. Here I generally loose unless the person is so sick they can barely move. You know what I've found is that among the non-Christians there is this surprise that you'd be nice like that but they take it. Christians the 'servants of all' won't take any help and seriously begrudge random acts of kindness. In fact I always find that if I want to do something for a Christian the only way to do it is anonymously but even then... I don't know if this will make sense to anyone but me but I'm just getting frustrated because there are no ulterior motives here. I just like making peoples days a little better. Well screw you's all 'cause I'm going to keep doing good things for you and if you better damn well learn to accept it. It'll save you the pain of learning that lesson the hard way, and believe me it's not one you want to learn the hard way.

A Shredded Soul

2006-03-23T11:58:00.000-05:00

I'm not an overly emotional person most people know that. A problem however, is that because I'm not overly emotional I don't always recognize problems within myself until they're almost full blown disasters. It's odd because I have no problem seeing and accounting for emotions in others. I guess it's a blind spot when looking at myself. Well after the last couple of days I'm really begging to see that I miss having my fiance around more than I thought. Actually it's because she doesn't occupy my conscious thoughts that I didn't realize it. I'm very good at focusing on what's around me and tossing what's not on the back burner. This works well until you need something that you are used to getting from a particular source no longer available to you. In short I have no real communication, quality time or physical interaction with my fiance, leaving me very, very drained. So much so in fact that I nightly dream about these things. Every night it's dreams about sitting and talking, or going out and doing stuff or just getting a hug. Almost always one of them is about being unable to be with the one you love. I'm not one for psycho analyzing dreams and I would normally just say this is weird but after actually remembering these dreams for the better part of a week it got me to thinking. Thus I realized just how beat up inside I am. It's going on three months of being apart now, which in the history of our relationship isn't the longest time we have been apart but it is the first time where I haven't been able to loose myself in my work or in other distractions. School work doesn't distract I have found because it most of my time is spent procrastinating and I thus end up thinking about other stuff a lot. End conclusion: I'd rather be single than be in a relationship this close but so geographically distant. This is just way to depressing and demoralizing.

Striding across the stars

2006-03-20T23:09:00.000-05:00

How long until the darkness takes me down? It doesn't matter how good you are because if you let your guard down for just one moment it will consume you. The bindings of pray and faith can seem like very flimsy protection in the long dark hours of the soul. It's like bring a reactor back down from critical; one wrong move and there won't be enough left to fill a matchbox. One speck of light in an ocean of darkness. One speck among many perhaps but still not enough. The most frustrating part is the inability to BE. It's not possible these simply is no way to truly BE here in this world. It's like trying to build a house with only a hammer. In this life the darkness will win it always does. That does not preclude my ability to fight and fight I will so that when it comes I will embrace the darkness at a time of my choosing. I am no stranger to the darkness, it has lived within me as long as I can remember, it is almost as comforting at times as the light that transforms. Should the tide every rise too high this light has no fear of being extinguished to ensure that others survive. There is nothing more respectable than an ancient evil; there is nothing more feared than the blazing light. In one hand a dagger of white, in the other a dagger of black. Which holds the poison offering a clean death and to whom?

Community of strangers

2006-03-14T11:42:00.000-05:00

Some times I wonder what's happening to us. I don't think I like what our culture has become. My current beef is with the lack of conversation. I enjoy sitting down with someone and talking but those days seem to have all but disappeared. Now it's always hanging out with the group or going out and doing something. Now how are you supposed to get to know anyone like that? People have so much interesting things to them; stories, knowledge, opinions that you would never find out with out talking with them. Now it seems that such things are unwelcome or worse "mean something". What the frig!?! Seriously it would make me scream if I was prone to emotional outbursts. Every once and a while I score a good conversation with someone, and I love it. You get to know the person, you get to learn new things and you get some new insights. Of course these feelings of frustration tend to sit at a low level burn until someone is surprised or offended because they didn't know something about me. When every they make a comment along those lines it always makes me want to snap back "Did you ever ask?" Seriously I know I'm not that hard to know, just ask. I try to be as straight forward with others but they tend to get offended or question my motives. What the hell is wrong with wanting to get to know someone? I have been at this university for 6 months now and I barely know the people here. Some people have responded it's because I don't often join in group activities. So does the fact that I don't like large groups make me less worthy of your time because it sure seems that way. Actually those of us who don't hang out as much with the groups definitely seem to get back burnered. Then again what do I care? Better yet should I care? Of course I should and so should others but people really seem to appreciate being a community of strangers. Or maybe they just aren't honest with themselves, who knows.

The Paradox of Discovery

2006-02-23T23:05:00.000-05:00

I made an interesting discovery today, not a pleasant one but an interesting one. I am well aware that one of my chief faults is that of arrogance but I never realized how bad it was. I mean it's always hard because you never see yourself in action. However after a discussion with someone else I realized it. Why, because they were worse than I. It took being disgusted with someone else to realize who bad I myself am. Mine is not the everyday arrogance of my person hood but of thought and knowledge. When faced with a like minded person I got to see how strong it was and how stupid. I am not a stupid person nor am I with out knowledge yet I take it a step beyond where I can safely tread. That is foolish. I know what I know, and I can safely make a certain amount of deductions logically but what need have I to go further? One can argue anything if one wants so why start? Say your piece then listen to the other side. Oh ya and you don't have to be right. Okay the first part I'm good at, the second part I'm learning. I may be better than I once was but I realize that is selective, when attacked I revert. Dumb, very dumb, embarrassing and annoying. Seriously you'd think I'd learn to act a little more maturely. Oh well I'll work on it.

Philosophy of the loving/fearful mind

2006-02-20T22:45:00.000-05:00

They say that the people who can hurt you most are those you love the most and it's true. If you didn't care what people thought then what they say or do wouldn't matter. Those you trust know the most about you and your vulnerabilities and thus can hurt you most if they so wish. This is the thing I struggle with; my fear of that kind of pain. I'll be honest, it terrifies me to the very core. When I start to care for someone I have a freaking panic attack, get depressed and usually get angry. I can't take it and I don't know why. Okay that's a lie I know why. Way, way to many times the trust I have given has been betrayed. I know for a long time I just shut down and didn't trust anybody. I only started trusting after a friend showed me how unhealthy it was for me to hide inside myself but I'm still not sure I'd rather not be there. I hate this fear, it affects how I act. I get so fearful I can't even act like myself around these people until there is an equal sharing of trust. I guess that's always the case really, with people. Let's face it I'm still the terrified little kid that managed to survive school by crushing ever bit of life in him. Love at a distance because that's safe... Thing is if you want to love people you can't really do it from a distance. I hate my life. I know I'm not supposed to say that now that I'm getting married but that doesn't change things really. My fiancÃ©e is the one person I'm not terrified of because I know where she stands. I always have really. Thatdoesn'tt change how I feel about life much though. Life is hard and I've pretty much always hated it but living was a gift, over and over a gift giving when it should have been taken. I still haven't learned to begratefull for it. Well that's the paradox I suppose because the only thing I have ever lived for is the thing that terrifies me most: people. I guess the truth is when people you care about hurt you want to be there for them but sometimes your not welcome. No be honest I've rarely been welcome. I could say I'm just a friend ofconveniencee to most people but that isn't really the truth I suppose. I think people just want certain people to care when they hurt and they ignore others who offer ahelpingg hand. Nosurprisee that I'm rarely wanted. I have no illusions about my skills as a people person. If only I could relax around people and be myself. Na that's not even true these days, I don't care enough to pretend around here. Still no body really gives a shit who I am. Then again not many want to say who they are. Wow this is getting long, guess I didn'trealizee how much crap is in here. It'll be good to have Mel around, thank God she understands at least some of this crap. Well here's hopping I stop feeling useless sometime soon. Assuming of course that I can actually be of some use, which may not actually be the case... I hate my life.

Theories on group discussions

2006-02-15T13:31:00.000-05:00

New theory on group discussions: no one listens to what you say. Ok so maybe that's not really suprising to some of you but I really kind of realized it for the first time today. People just seem to latch on to one part of what you said that allows them to say what they want to say even if it reads into or takes completely out of context what you have said. I know what I said in class today and I have no idea where some people got the ideas they took from it. It's like this whole "what does the text say" that we are go through in religious studies and lit. Seriously what did I actually say, because I sure as hell didn't say some of the things they seemed to imply. Maybe I was just a convenient bridge into what they wanted to say. Likely that's true but I don't appreciate having words put into my mouth. In lit right now we are looking at Luther, Calvin and Sir Thomas Moore. We got on to basic tenants and to the statement "Do unto others as you would have them do unto you." Now read that sentence; it's pretty clear isn't it? I think so but then people seem to cloud the issue. What I do with my self about myself has really nothing to do with that statement does it? Of course not, nor is how I apply it universal to how I interact with every individual. How I interact with my fiancÃ© is not how I'm going to interact with my sister is it? Of course not! We apply thatstatementt on an individual basis, we have to because we are dealing with individuals. Seriously is it that difficult? If it is I apologize right now for making a stupid assumption but I think you're all smart enough to get this. It's just that we all have thistendencyy to get hung up on a point that's important to us and thus miss-interpret what we heard. Look at the words that were said and don't read into them, it'll save us all a lot of grief. Please, please don't read into what I say 'cause I'm getting really sick of people being upset with me over things I NEVER SAID!!! Argh! It's just not fair!!! Okay I'm done, just needed to get that out there.

Thanks guys, it was nice.

2006-02-14T12:31:00.000-05:00

So it's a little after my birthday but I thought the events this year deserve a post. Another girl I go to school with here has her birthday the day before mine. Convenient for me since I don't like acknowledging mine much. So a few of us decided to have a party for her birthday and I offered to cook. I was pretty sure that no one knew (or remembered) my birthday so I went to this party blissfully unaware of what was to transpire. It seems Ashley (who's party it was) had found out. So it ended up being a joint party and very enjoyable at that. The next day (my actual birthday) was nice and low key as well. We had our annual Indian meal that night so more focus was on that then anything else. So what does all this mean? Well it was still a really depressing couple of days but that was actually more out of habit then due to any actual events for once. This would be the first time in a long time that I had an enjoyable birthday. In fact this might rack up to make this the fourth good birthday. I worry myself sometimes...

All talk as long as the other person isn't around

2006-02-05T12:00:00.000-05:00

Okay so I have probably ranted about this before but you know what I think it deserves a repeat mention. If you have something to say about someone that you don't want them to hear, then don't say it! Seriously it's not that hard to keep your mouth shut, heck it's a lot easier than flapping your lips. I mean really now, especially in a close community like the one I'm living in. Yet I always hear people who are shocked that someone heard about some comment that was thought to have been made in confidence. Two things about that: 1) if you don't tell someone not to say anything to ANYBODY they will probably tell someone, who will tell someone else and so on until it reaches the person you didn't want to hear it. 2) People may have loyalties that you don't know about, so gossiping, ranting or complaining about someone is a bit of a risk. I mean don't gossip it's just stupid unless you were there you don't even have a hope understanding what went on and even then you probably don't know all the factors that went in to creating the events. If you need to rant write in a journal or an anonymous blog. Complaining that's a hard one, it would be my big trouble spot. Thing I'm realizing is that what we say when we complain either is stupid or sounds stupid. Seriously think about what you just said after you finish complaining and you'll probably be at least a little embarrassed with yourself. Or at least you will if you take the time to see it from someone else's perspective. It's all really assumptions and egocentricity. All right I can tell this probably isn't all that clear so just think of Aesop's Fable about the North Wind and the Sun. If you don't know it you can find it on-line but believe it or not it applies very well to life.

Psychological Survey: Help the guy out

2006-02-02T23:08:00.000-05:00

Hello everyone, I'm doing an experiment for my psych class and need a little help. All I need from you is too head to this site http://blec.faithweb.com/photo.html and view the photos and pair them with professions listed below. Enter your results into an e-mail with your age, gender and country of residence from age 3-12 (if more then one list all). Send to upbeatsandbeatdowns@hotmail.com with the subject header: Psych Survey

For your convinience I have added a list of the photo designators that you can simply copy and paste into a new e-mail. If you could pass this on to as many people as you could of all ages that would be greatly appreciated. If you recieve this after April 1st, 2006 you may disregard it. Thank you all for your time.

Gerry Arcand

1st year student,

St. Stephen's University

F1:

F2:

F3:

F4:

F5:

F6:

M1:

M2:

M3:

M4:

M5:

M6:

Age:

Gender:

Country of residence from ages 3-12:

(if more than one list all)

Do people really think this way?

2006-02-01T13:22:00.000-05:00

So we are reading Chaucer in Lit class and today we were going over the Wife of Bath and The Miller's Tale. If you have ever read them there are some interesting stereotypes of the male and female roles during the middle ages. Someone, during the course of the discussion, made a comment that really caught me off guard. Oddly it didn't make me angry but it sure as heck surprised me, probably as much because of who it came from as the comment it's self. This one girl says (this is a paraphrase) that women are able to "lower their standards" to be with a guy who isn't super handsome but is nice and kind. She then went on to say that guys can't do that. Excuse me? Did she actually just say what I think she said? What the hell? I am so confused, so how then does she think that the less-than-supermodel girls end up with guys? Is it because that's all same guys can get and they just want something so bad? And do you really have to lower your standards to be with someone who isn't drop dead gorgeous? Okay so my fianceÃ© had some modeling shots done but she never was a model and that was after I started dating her. She is not Angelina Jolie but seriously who wants that? Mel gets enough attention from guys I don't think I could handle it ever guy stopped to stare at her. I'm glad as it is that I'm not a jealous guy or life would be hell. Anyways I'm not marrying her for her looks, I've had girls who look stunning "lower their standards" to me but a wise personrealizess that beauty truly is in the eye of the beholder. Mel isn't just beautiful because she looks great (and she sure does to me) but she is a balance to who I am. We fit together as individuals to make something greater than the some of it's parts. Anyway looks don't last so you better have something else or old age is really going to suck. Anyone who seriously believes that crap about guys and looks ought to open their eyes and look around. I can't tell you how many times over the years I have heard "What can he possibly she in her?" because someone elsedoesn'tt think she is beautiful. To often in life guys give in to the peerpressuree and drop a girl they really like because their "friends" don't think she's pretty. Oh wait girls do that too don't they? This whole gender war stuff has got to stop, seriously. Enough is enough I'm boycotting this war and any fool who wants to fight it. The greatest enemy of peaceful coexistencee is ignorance. Like they say: "If you want to show your ignorance just open up your mouth." Seriously people, think before you speak...Pleasee.

2 Revelations

2006-01-24T23:07:00.000-05:00

So it's been a while and the reason is two fold. First I have enough papers to write for school. Second is my first revelation which is I need conflict to motivate me to write. I don't necessarily write about my conflicts but conflict in my life leads me to be able to write more often. Okay and so does not having to write at least one paper a week.

So my second revelation is one I found very interesting. I think the reason we dislike people is due to ignorance about who they are. Now realize that I'm using the word 'dislike' and not something more powerful like detest, hate or loath. No I have found it much easier to like people for who they are by automatically assuming that my initial reactions to them are wrong and not assuming that I know why the speak or act the way they do. I know someone who can be unbelievably rude and it shocks people but if you know them you realize that they don't mean it, it's just that they don't see their comments from the same perspective as you. I have found that it is like that with most people really. We make assumptions about what people mean by what they say or the actions they have done instead of asking. This of course is utterly stupid, a stupidity which I am also cursed with. We don't think like others because we aren't them! So why is it that we make assumptions about them? I mean my initial reactions to half the people I met when I first came to SSU were totally off base and I don't want to even think about how it would have gone is I'd clung to those assumptions. I know I don't think like others and therefore don't act in the way or for the reasons that others expect me to and it has caused me a lot of grief over the years. In light of that how can I continue to perpetuate the cycle? I can't and won't. I will do everything I can to stomp on that first impulse and see the person for who they are. Too ask the question when I don't know instead of assuming that I do. Truth is it would help prevent a lot of strife in my life and the lives of others. Maybe if I start then others will stop writing me off too... No forget it, if you want to write me off go ahead. I'll not waste my time trying to convince you of who I am, if you want to know just ask.

Let me out of here!!!!

2005-11-22T12:04:00.000-05:00

Yes it's that time of year again and cabin fever is in the blood. I've been realising over the past week that I have been slowly going insane. It's that subtle slide over the edge that you only catch when it's almost too late. So I'm going insane and need to get away but I can't. I mean literaly there is no where for me to go! I'm stuck in this stupid building almost 24/7. I even started going on 2 hour walks to get away from this place but it's not enough. I need a change of sceanery, a change of pace, a change of people for a couple days. This is actually the most insular community I have ever lived in and that's saying something. Even at BLEC we didn't spend three consecutives monthes in one bloody building! This is just getting way to intense. I'm declaring today and MH day and relaxing. Okay I don't know what I'm actually going to do to relax but I'll find something. Listen to me you can tell I'm going insane, when do I ever write crap like this. Arrghhhhh..............

Assumption is the mother of all snafus

2005-11-08T12:46:00.000-05:00

People who know me have heard this before but I've never really blogged on it. Well one of my biggest pet peeves is assumptions. I really hate when I do it and I hate it when I see others doing it because at least 85% of the time we 're wrong. Not just a little wrong either, like totally off the mark wrong. It especially annoys me when people say things like: "Well I don't really know them that well (or I've never met them personally) but it seems to me..." Hey look it's an assumption! Maybe if you don't know the person that well (or at all) you should keep your trap shut. It's likely as not that the people involved haven't told you everything and chances are even if they did and you still haven't seen the situation it's self your working off of biased information. I mean you could assume a lot of really stupid things if you based those assumptions off of the speeches Hitler made. A less extreme example would be assuming that what one political party said was truth and never listening to other parties before you formed an opinion. People make assumptions about me all the time and I find it really amusing when after they have known me for a bit they say things like: "You know I always thought.... I didn't know about..." It's funny but at the same time it's sad that we make these snap judgments. Oh I'm not saying I don't do it, because I do, but I'm aware that I have done so and do not voice my opinion until I have had time to find out more. That's what really gets people in trouble and makes me mad; the whole forming an opinion without trying to find out more. But what a really don't get is why people keep doing it over and over again. I mean how many times do you have to make a fool of yourself before you become embarrassed enough to stop. I sure couldn't take it for long but then again maybe I'm just sensitive...... ya right.

Why am I the last to know?

2005-11-01T18:49:00.000-05:00

Okay so here's the story: I ask Melissa to come out east because our friendship was totally on the rocks about to die. I mean until August we had spoken like once a month over the past year and a half. So to my surprise she agrees to come and even manages it the week after I asked. It's good now I have hope that maybe there is hope for what was once a really close friendship. Well I meet her on Saturday and as she's unpacking I'm trying to think of what to say to get the ball rolling..... All the issues I thought were a problem I'm realizing aren't the real issues but I don't know what is. Slowly it creeps up on me; if there is one thing Melissa and I are good at it's telling half-truths for the "sake of the other person." So honesty okay but where to start? Well how about as to if we really want this friendship. So I tell her that I really want to be good friends again but I need to know what she wants so we can start with honesty and on the same page. Well she says she'd really like that. Okay good right? No I'm still not quite there, hmmm... What's missing? I know the whole truth. Yep the realization hit me between the eyes like a meteor thrown from the hand of God: I want to marry this girl, always have so why the hell have I never asked?!? Well if there's something else Melissa and I are good at it's talking ourselves out of things (ya we have a lot in common). So right then and there I ask her to marry me. She said yes! Well we went to Tim Horton's and on the way she is just freaking out, me it hasn't sunk in yet. We get there and I start having an internal terror time. For the next hour and a half we are both freaking out in different ways. Well after an hour and a half I decided enough is enough so we go and spend an hour and a half in prayer. Boy what a difference that made! God just gave us peace so we started calling and telling people. Okay really it was mostly spent trying to find our parents. Anywho, the next night we spent an hour in prayer and God told me to go to a specific jewelry store for the ring, so we went on Monday and got a beautiful ring with out killing the bank account. Yay! So now we begin all the plans and all but as we do and talk to others apparently many people were expecting this. Even though Melissa was coming down just so we could work stuff out enough to be friends again, apparently everyone that knew she was coming was expecting me to propose. Why was I the last to know?

Knives, close to home

2005-10-22T14:06:00.000-04:00

You know those times when life is just great and every thing seems to be going smoothly? You know when, right in the middle of that, you get blindsided by a Mac truck transporting Secrets & Lies? I really, really hate those times. Say your having a great conversation with someone and things have been going well when right out of the blue they slip in one little line that changes everything. You know the ones that are couched so nicely in the flow of conversation that at first you miss them and then all of a sudden the ceiling falls in. Your first response is "What the heck did you just say?" Though likely as not you aren't so polite about it. Followed closely by the "You did what?!?" or other variations there of. And for some completely unknown reason people assume this is a great way to tell you. Personaly I like a little more warning so I can take a seat and maybe have a stiff drink beside me. I mean seriously you don't drop a comment like "I have cancer" into the middle of a sentence and expect a calm reaction from someone. I mean really, give them some warning. That kind of thing is okay when telling people your getting married or something nice like that but it sure as heck doesn't work for bad news. You really think people are going to love you for springing bad news on them? Or that the conversation can just keep going the way it was before? This doesn't even work in the movies, what on earth makes you think it would work in real life?!

The other thing about the revelation of Secrets and Lies, is how it changes everything. People who reveal them some how assume that by reassuring you with words that you will believe them that nothing else they said is a lie and that they have no other secrets. But it doesn't work like that does it? No of course not, if someone has told you a nice big fib then you find yourself questioning everything they've said to you. Even if the words are true the context isn't anymore, so like it or not what they said before no longer means the same thing.

I don't know, personally I just wish people would swallow their pride and tell me these things as soon as they happened so we could just get down to pulling the knife out of my back and start the healing process. It takes long enough, and is painful enough, as is with out the added damage done by keeping it from someone for an extended period of time. The longer the secret is kept the less chance there is of salvaging your relationship with that person. I really hate this stuff.

America or the world

2005-10-10T23:02:00.000-04:00

Therefore a wise prince will seek means by which his subjects will always and in every possible condition of things have need of his government, and then they will always be faithful to him.
-- Niccolo Machiavelli,

"The Prince"

Just a thought but dosen't that sound a lot like how the American government is run? Bush is being persecuted, he holds sway over less then half the voting population in the states, and the justice system is after him for misapropriation of funds. Suddenly 9/11 occures and the US immediatly goes after Afghanistan. The new government is installed in Afghanistan and as things settle down the Senate, Congress, the American people and the other members of NATO want to know where Bush got his hands on his information and why he didn't alert them earlier. So Bush turns the heat on Iraq. Funny how that is? Then again if you look at the history of other Presidents, the intelligence agencies, the Senate, the millitary and Congress they have all been manufacturing events for years. Seems to me America isn't a country based on freedom but on control. How else do you explain their media? But then again is it really just America?

Imperfect thoughts on thought

2005-10-05T01:02:00.000-04:00

What do I care for your suffering? Pain, even agony, is no more than information before the senses, data fed to the computer of the mind. The lesson is simple: you have received information, now act on it. Take control of the input and you shall become master of the output.
-- Sheng-ji Yang

Consider this carefully: how much more could you do if you were the master of all your output? Think of it not only in relation to sensory information but in relation to all things. It is no simple thing that is suggested here but the implications are huge. In fact it is safe to say that anyone who achieves mastery of any output rises above the norm of humanity.

Look at pain and the implications of mastering it. For women especially this holds great potential. If you could take the pain of the menstrual cycle or child birth and make it no more than a log entry in your brain, you could once again take control of events around you. Think of those who suffer constantly, their idea of pain is often way beyond the norm. Their circumstances often force them to take control, those who don't become bitter and angry.

Now take all of this and expand it: media, food, those you associate with, what you do, etc. If you begin to take control of what you put in you can master what goes out. In what way do you wish to become a better person? Find the inputs which affect this characteristic and take control of them; soon you will master the output and become who you wish to be. The basis of this entire idea is simply that of making continuous decisions about things that you would normally leave to the unconscious.

Yet I know that this quote missed the fundamental key that enables one to act upon it: hope. Hope is key, without it nothing stands and no one can control or master, for without hope is despair which is the absence of control or mastery. The greater a person's hope the greater their ability to succeed. So we find that the true question is then, in what do you place your hope?

Talkers, talking and poorly disguised opinions

2005-09-14T20:21:00.000-04:00

So I just got out of my history class on Intentional Communities. Great class, absolutely loved it. I sat for almost three straight hours completely enraptured by the discussion and could have gone even longer. While I was there I had an idea final coalesce in my brain. Something was bothering me about the way some people were talking, even though what they said was in no way offensive in content. What I realized was that it wasn't what they said but the way they said it in. Anyone who has ever talked to a first year university student is going to understand what I'm talking about. It's those people who say "in MY opinion" or "I think" but really mean "This is the truth and if you don't agree with ME your a moron." Though I have found this primarily in first year university students I most definitely haven't found it there exclusively. Oh don't worry I remember being one of those people and it's kind of amusing to look back and see just how ignorant you really were. Which actually brings me around to my next point, a comment someone made to me after the class. That comment was that first years talk the most. Now while not university true they do talk a lot and far more passionately. They have the trait of often being unreasonably aggressive or defensive with their beliefs. My personal journey from that point to the point where I can now argue both sides simply to learn more, has been a rough one. I may be wrong but I really don't think there is a painless way to achieve that way of thinking. It seems to me that it almost always requires being displayed as 1) lacking in knowledge 2)being close minded 3)at least once being proven to be absolutely, irrevocably wrong. It's not that such people are with out knowledge it's just that they have yet to come to the realization that they don't have to be right and that they will never know all there is to know on a given subject which makes it very hard to discuss and debate something with them. Mind you just last night I spent four or five hours discussing and debating several topics. It was a most excellent conversation and one that didn't end with one of us convincing the other of his way of thinking but rather of each of us refining are beliefs due to the knowledge of the other.

Lessons from a Demon

2005-09-14T17:27:00.000-04:00

So I've been reading The Screwtape Letters, a book by C.S.Lewis. They are fictional letters between and elder Demon and his younger nephew. The change in perspective however makes you re-evaluate some seemingly harmless habits and modes of thinking. Take being in love for example; what exactly does that mean? Love is defined in 1 Corinthians 13 but nowhere in there is there any reference to feeling a certain way, so why do we set that requirement? I, myself had already come to evaluate relationships more on the terms of ability to communicate, shared ideas and the ability to challenge each other to be better people. Still I just thought it was cynicism that cause me, and those who thought like me, to think in this manner but I think now it was a disillusionment with a false concept.

Still how about those people who, ever strive to better themselves, that's a sign of spiritual maturity right? Or is it? The best way to become a better Christian is a two fold process: spending time alone with God & serving others. Some of you can see what I'm getting at already. Growth comes not from focusing on the growing but by putting into practice those things you have learned.

What about searching for a church that feels right, that's a must right? Again no, what you need is a Church who's doctrine is sound and that will challenge you to do what is right. It is better to be totally devoted to a dying church then to hop from one to another ever searching.

So I've probably offended a few of you by now but like that's strange, so go get the book and read it. If you still have the same worldview after reading it your either very perceptive (way to go!) or you've got some heavy duty blinders on. It's all up to you, after all no one can force you to use what you learn.

Between two sets of doors

2005-09-07T23:16:00.000-04:00

I had a very interesting experience tonight and one I'm not completely sure I understand the entire meaning of. We were having a night of worship at my university and I stepped into the foyer to get some air as both sets of doors were open. As I stood there listening to the worship going on behind me the music was off set by the sounds of the big trucks on the road before me and the siren of an ambulance. As I watched people out walking an biking I was struck by a thought: This is a refuge but that's all it is. Our Christian community is a place of refuge and rejuvenation but it is an island in the middle of a dying world. This world is dying, it has been since sin first entered it and while we can not save this planet we can bring hope to it's people, if we step out. To often as Christians I believe we call to others from the foyer, never stepping out into their world, meeting them where they are. No we call and expect a wounded soul to come to us, but that is not what God calls us to do. The flip side of that are those who are so caught up in trying to reach others they forget to tend to their own spiritual needs and slowly start to backslide. We are to be in the world but not of the world. In the terms of my experience we have to take time to enter the refuge and recharge on God but we also have to go out and use that energy to make a difference. The foyer should be no more then the border that defines one from the other.

All of this really doesn't get across the feelings I experienced at the time so if you should ever find yourself between the doors of a refuge and this harsh world take a moment to reflect on the difference and your mission in this life.

Absurdity or Reality: Part 1

2005-08-28T19:19:00.000-04:00

"...was also the only forest in the whole universe to be called - in the local language - Your Finger You Fool, which was the literal meaning of the word Skund.
The reason for this is regrettably all too common. When the first explorers from the warm lands around the Circle Sea traveled into the chilly hinterland they filled in the blank spaces on their maps by grabbing the nearest native, pointing at some distant landmark, speaking very clearly in a loud voice, and writing down whatever the bemused man told them. Thus were immortalized in generations of atlases such geographical oddities as Just A Mountain, I Don't Know, What? and, of course, Your Finger You Fool.
Rainclouds clustered around the bald heights of Mt. Oolskunrahod ('Who is this Fool who does Not Know what a Mountain Is')..."
-The Light Fantastic

*All quotes for this series are taken from novels by Terry Pratchett but be careful what you mock as pure fiction because, though much of what he writes is fanciful works of imagination, he often incorporates actual beliefs of the peoples of this world. So I leave it for you to decided what is absurdity or reality.

2005-06-23T12:16:00.000-04:00

I am an avid reader... Okay that was kind of like saying the ocean is big, better to say that even with a full-time job and something that passes for a life I still manage to read about three or four full length novels a week. Lately however I've been finding myself losing patience with authors who refuse to play to their strengths.

Take David Weber for example, his Honour Harrington series is mediocre except for a couple of truly exceptional books. Why, because even though He is great at doing character development and political intrigue, he can't write a battle to save his life! Yet his books are full of battles, space, land, duels.... They stink! Yet two books in that series I have included in my all time favorite list: Field of dishonour & In Enemy Hands. Both are excellent books that play to David Weber's strengths but sadly they are the exception to his writing not the rule. I had to give up on that series when I hit War of Honour; forget the people in the books being war weary, after nine books I was sick of the war too.

Well I'm sure you can all relate on some level after all it's not as if this is all that uncommon. Bah one can hope they see reason eventually.

The random blathering of a nut in the deep end

2004-11-16T18:58:00.000-05:00

God has to have a sense of humor it's the only way you can explain how he uses a momentary laps in judgment to get you where he wants you. Let me explain:

When I first came back to live with my parents for the year I learned that our church was haven's a big push to do the "40 Days of propose". My younger sister was helping our new youth pastor Steve to co-ordinate the college age small group. I wasn't home for more than a few hours before she extracts a promise from me to at least attend the first meeting. Two month's pass and I find my self working the night shift at a gas station, 11pm to 7am, when my sister in forms me that the first meeting will occur the next Sunday. Yes that's right it is planned for right after evening service and I have to work that night! Grumbling because that means that all my free time for the day is now shot, I agree that I'll be there. All begins well but Steve is caught some what unprepared by the size of the turn out so at the end of the meeting he declares his intention of forming us into two small groups that will split off after the initial time together. Fine with me, why should I care, oh he's asking who has done this before well I have, oh and one other person. Wait a minuet why id he ask that? Oh crap now he wants a volunteer to facilitate the other group! Shoot the other person doesn't want to... Fine I guess I'll volunteer. "I can do it." Well the next week we meet and there is even more people. Now it's decided we'll meet in three groups. Oh well it won't be that bad. Steve names out the members of each group, I don't really pay attention because I'll meet them once we get to our area. My sister hands me a piece of paper with the list of names. I glance over them, then look again. What the heck! I have seven girls in my group and one guy who is not present and may or may not actually ever show up; they told me it would be split guys and girls! Vague thoughts of strangling my sister pass through my head but are quickly over ruled by the need to rethink how to present the material. So seven girls and one stupid twit head to their assigned location as the twit struggles to come up with some ideas. Which he does: A cabin contract! Huh!?! Stupid idea what else do I have..... Um.... Oh stink, I'm in so much trouble!

Needles to say our group went longer and better then any of the others and everyone is happy to make our own version of a cabin contract next week. While on the otherhand if I ever cut it that close getting to work again I think I'll have a heart attack, The lesson: You can't look before you leap when God pushes you of the edge.

Alright, who kidnapped the Sandman!

2004-10-26T11:37:00.000-04:00

In all my life no one could ever have accused me of being an insomniac. In fact I was somewhat known for my ability to sleep whenever I wanted to. Heck, working at camps and going to college these past there years I lived on my ability to grab sleep at any available moment. Oh but not now, no, ever since I have moved back to Sudbury I've been having trouble sleeping. What the heck? I mean I come home after being on my feet for eight hours and I can't get to sleep or I fall asleep and wake up two or three hours later. Well my parents think it's because I'm working night shift but I worked night shift for Tim's four years ago and I never had a problem. When I worked one week of nights at OPC I didn't even have a bump in my ability to sleep. Could be because I have to sleep with ear plugs, but I doubt it. No what I think is that I have to find a way to shut my brain up! It's insane I try to sleep and my brain just starts racing all over the place! Huh, excuse me, the body is tired the brain needs to be quiet! To all of you out there who have ever suffered from insomnia I can now say that I share your pain and for some one who enjoys his sleep as much as me, this really sucks!

Hot or Not or something we aren't seeing...

2004-09-11T00:20:00.000-04:00

So for about the fifty millionth time today I witnessed the damage that can be done by a simple phrase. Heck it's not even a phrase it's a stupid word! People drop the word "Hot" in reference to guys or gals dependent every day but have you ever thought about what you're saying? You want to talk about making someone into a piece of meat that's a good start. Hey I gotta say those of us Christians out there must really be showing the world who we are when we're using that one eh guys? Have any of you ever wondered where these feelings of inferiority start? Don't blame the media, blame all of us who have ever used a term like "hot" about the opposite sex when others of them are around. Ya that's what I got to witness today; another guy that thinks he can't ever be worth a girls time. I don't want to think how many times of seen that happen to guys and girls. Man, sometimes you can see them react right away, it's like their cutting another notch on their soul, just one more reason they'll never be good enough. It makes me mad!!! You know I can get annoyed, frustrated or upset but I don't often get mad. This really makes me mad because this is the casual cruelty we ignore in our daily lives. How can we do this to each other. How can you who actually have a significant other ever call someone "hot" while their around, even jokingly? Do you have any idea how much that kills them? Yes you do, it's there inside of you, even if you won't admit it. It's the same feeling you get when thee tables are turned, no matter how much you'd like to pretend. You know what I don't even consider those terms a complement no matter who their directed at. Frankly they are nothing but a derogatory term, an insult, and solid proof that for all our words that beauty is on the inside we still know what we prefer. You know what I don't have it in me any more to give this rant the passion it deserves because I've met my demons and I've learned to walk away but there are a lot of you out there that haven't had that chance yet through no fault of your own. It is for your sake that I say we have to stop this and I will do my best not to use, and to encourage others not to use, these terms in casual conversation. Remember guys it's all about RESPECT.

Guys, girls and the stuff in between....

2004-09-04T20:45:00.000-04:00

Have you ever had to listen to girls complain about guys? Have you ever heard them complain about there being no good guys? Now how often do you hear guys complain about that? I mean really do guys not care? Ummm... guys do conmplain to each other but they still fall for the pretty face or the easy mark dependant. Oh wait so do girls! Truth is we all play this stupid, stupid game because people are so blind when it comes to relationships. That's not what this is about though, this is about the frustratiing fact that girls don't realise something really important; looks aren't everything! Wait am I saying something obvious? Why yes I am and though most of you girls out there know this you still try and play that game. Now I have no objection to a girl wanting to look nice but any girl who thinks that's going to net her a quality guy is deluding herself. You can find a good looking girl on every corner but trying to find a quality girl is harder then finding a needle in a haystack. Now hold up I'm not just talking about dateing relationships I'm also talkig about friendships. I mean I don't really base a friendship off someones looks, that is straight up dumb. Anyways, girls, in this day and age guys start to get sick of that plastic exterior, it is a breath of fresh air to find a girl who shares your interests in life. This preoccupation with looks that people have these days, it ain't worth it. Don't play that game guys or girls. Not all girls can be super models and not all guys are shallow enough to want one. Hey I'll say that a couple of the truly, quality girls I know are absolutly stunning but that dosen't make them what they are. One thing they do all have in common though is that people love hanging with them and that's the way it should be, guys too. Hey I don't hang with guys much and I have my reasons but there are certain guys that everyone loves being around those few quality guys who are just as hard to find as the girls. So what's my deal? Throw the idea of looks first, out the window and find someone worth your time. It's a lot easier to love someone than it is to like them. Sort that one out and this will all make sense.

Funny thing about that...

2004-09-01T11:41:00.000-04:00

So yesterday I go out job hunting for a bit. Eventually I find myself wasting some time at the mall so I head over to Futureshop. Inside I finely find my little sister but she is busy looking at digital cameras so I decide to look around. First thing I find is Gross Point Blank a great movie that I have had some real trouble finding. Shortly after that I find the sound track to go with it. Photo paper is on sale so I grab some of that. Then I remember that I need to look at getting an amp that will actually give enough power for my speakers, so I head over to the stereo section. On the way over I spy a complete 5.1 surround sound speaker system for PC's only $99. Hmmm... nah I can plug the amp I get into my computer anyways. Ah but when I start looking at amps, the cheapest one that will handle my speakers is $170 and the size of my computer tower!!! I'm about to get it anyway when I stop to think for a minuet. I am always moving and next year I'm headed out to New Brunswick. That entire surround sound system I saw was 1/3 the size of my speakers at home not to mention the bulk of the amp. Since my computer is my home entertainment system anyways, why not just get the computer speakers. You can see where this is going but it's not what actually changed my mind, you see shortly after that I went to talk to my sister about it when I had a real flash of insight. My speakers at home have a retail value of $2000 , tough I only paid half that but that's another story. So if I bought the surround sound speakers I could sell my big speakers for at lets $1500 gaining me net profit of about $1400 and I get a surround sound system!!! Can you guess what I did?

Now that could be the end of that story but it isn't. No you see I actually had to connect the speakers. Now the people who made these speakers made connecting them to the subwoffer idiot proof. Each cable can only fit in it's own slot. However when it came to connecting it all to my computer the creators got too take their turn playing the idiots. Being the intelligent people they are, they created a visual only quick connect card figuring (rightly) that guys are more likely to look at pictures then read instructions. Only problem with that is they didn't bother to write down the instructions even in the Manuel! So here I am with a sound card that is newer then what is on their quick connect card. It isn't nicely colour coded and it has an extra port as well! So, going through a long and tedious search of the web, I discover that they hadn't even bothered to update the info online... Grrrr. Relegate myself to the time consuming process of trial and error, another half an hour later I get it right and boy does it sound good!

So it ends...

2004-08-29T19:42:00.000-04:00

It's the first full day after camp has ended. Such a weird feeling. I miss people and yet at the same time I've gotten to see people that I haven't for many monthes. It's hard being here thinking of all the conections I have to re-form and the new ones that won't be easily made. That really makes me miss camp and all the stable connections I had there. The one thing I have really realised is that I always wish that I had gotten to know others better while I was at camp. There are always a couple of people that I wish I had taken the time to get to know better. It's really true this seeing how dead I was for most of the summer. Still there is always hope for the next summer if they come back. Then again being the shy person that I am I probably wouldn't do anything then either... Nah I hope to be in cabin next summer so that will really change things. Ah well big sigh for the times gone by. I raise my Tim Hortons cap' to all you quality camp kids that I never got to know and wish you all the best in the year to come.

Round and round we go...

2004-08-27T00:31:00.000-04:00

I hate endings. I really, really dispise endings. I get so caught up in the excitment of new beginings that the end of things always just drags by. I'm probably one of the only people who, in the last week of camp, fervrently wishes it to be over so it will just be done!!! Even if where I'm going next is going to suck. Talk about awkward beginings, after almost four years I'm moving back home. Not only that but my sister moved back home earlier this year and is now going to school in my home town. Just to top it all off I have to work for money this year, something I have always failed misrably at. I can work at a job I like for little money and long hours. Yet working for good or great pay at a 9-5 job drives me insane! Here's hopping I can find a job I like. Fat chance.

Who is camp for anyways?

2004-08-24T23:57:00.000-04:00

So my first blog post is a complete rant. I have been a camp concilor for three summers and working at camp in various other capacities for an additional two full years. I am sure however that you don't need my experience to know that camp is for kids. I was out tonight playing a wide game for guys night and I experienced one of my greatest pet peevs; councilors arguing rules to get the advantage for their team! Hey guys grow up!!! We play the games to make sure the game is fair not to make our team win! What the heck, nobody is going to care or remember who won a meaningless wide game as long as they had fun but I absolutly gaurentee they'll remember the councilors arguing the whole time and the alegations of cheating. Do the words "integrity" and "selflessness" mean nothing to you? Tiff I know you're with me on this one but really I think all camp junkies should be on the same page; camp is for the kids. If you don't agree with me than you don't belong in this business. No that isn't short sighted arrogance, it's just simple truth. People who can focus there energy on the kids, people who enjoy spending time and doing things for their campers, they are the ones who will forever impact the lives of campers in a positive way. I have been too a camp where councilors weren't there for the campers and I hated it. I was eventualy convinced to go to another camp and those guys were all about us, always hanging with us and going the extra mile and it rocked. In fact it's what got me into camp counciling. I love what I do and I just want too keep camp for the kids, because for a lot of them we can make this the best part of their childhood.